were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
