Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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