I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
