My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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