is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
