Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
