the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
bring money and cleavage
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
