last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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