Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
