Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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