Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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