I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
not ubering you a puppy
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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