My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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