you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
and she was petting her beer can
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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