I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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