What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
