dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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