Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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