just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
