It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
