The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
