Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
