Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
