You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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