im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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