; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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