Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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