so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
