Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
