The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
