biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
