I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
