Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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