Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
