hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
