That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
COCAINE IS GR8
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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