the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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