You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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