My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
