im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
