the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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