my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
