First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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