just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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