Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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