Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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