I look better un-naked...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
