Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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