Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
