Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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